May 2019 be a new beginning for me - 16

2019 passed by in a glimpse of an eye and tomorrow is the last day of 2019. Honestly I do feel age is catching up pretty fast after turned 30. It was like just yesterday I was celebrating my 30th birthday and I'm turning 34 in less than 48 hours (of course many more months till my birthday). Thinking back Wawasan 2020 when I was in high school, I didn't think that I'm still single at this age. Well, I was very close but it just didn't happened.

My mood was a bit like roller coaster during Christmas week. For the past few years, I used to travel this time of the year with him. Too many memories in phone and social media keep popping up. I also got to know that they're travelling together to Japan and he brought her on a business class in an airline I've never taken. It was the exact same day when he proposed to me during our skydiving at New Zealand 2 years ago. 2 years later, he's on a plane with her heading to their favourite country for winter holidays. 

I didn't want to remember all these but I've elephant memories. Thanks to FB memories, I remembered there was a post he posted where we watched Star Wars at an unique Cinema in New Zealand and he tagged me in the post. This post and other posts are no longer in my FB memory. How ironic when he used to share with me that he will never unfriend the ex or delete any post as there's nothing to shy about the past. The new person has to accept his past. Maybe I've irritated him in many ways that he has decided to delete these memories. 

My close friends asked why can't I just accept that he's a bad lover. Why do I still reminisce his goods. They asked me to keep reminding myself that changing a new working environment is to help me get over him and that I'm no longer living under his shadow. They have also asked me to consider return the car to him despite it was a birthday gift for me as his wife to be if the car is reminding me of him as the only connection left now is the car.
I really want to put all these behind and leave it at 2019 for me start fresh in 2020. I'm still not strong as I still get hit by the sad feelings. One of the friend told me that if he is already enjoying himself, why are you left alone feeling miserable. Maybe I need to imprint in this in my mind and do my best to live th best I can. Perhaps writing 2020 resolution will help? For now, let's just starts with Reset & Restart.

PS : went to visit Belle at pet shop today and I was so happy the moment she ran to me. They told me that's her happiest face since she was sent for boarding. I do miss her and I hope she can live well and eat well for as long as she can. I wonder if I should also stop the visit as a form of no intrusion to his life and for me to have zero connection with him.